meme

I realise that I haven't updated in a while, yes. I also realise that I'm breaking that streak with a meme, but it's 8:22 pm and I'm still at work, so cut me some slack. I'm doing this one because it is very free-form, and because paddle2paddle tagged me for it, and nobody ever tags me so it's very exciting, in a grade-school picking-teams-in-PE sorta way.


Write 20 things people (probably) don't know about you and then tag 5 people to do the same.

1. I've been really trying to make myself like cilantro, because it is difficult to avoid and because I can't abide picky eating. I just had Mexican food for dinner, and could taste the cilantro in the salsa but tried to ignore it/appreciate what it is. I mostly succeeded, but I'm getting a wicked headache now. I never've gotten headaches from cilantro before, but I've also always tried to avoid ingesting any quantity thereof.

2. I am terrified that people think that I'm making things (like my trouble sleeping or my depression or my cilantro intolerance) up, so I try to explain better but end up talking so much that I think it seems even more like I'm overplaying something little.

3. Speaking of depression, I have been suicidal since I was about 10. As in, compulsive thoughts about my death and me dying. I'm not some 15-year-old Mary-Sue-writing fangirl or self-mutilating prom queen. It is real, and sometimes overriding. I'm not afraid of death; I do think, though, that if I'm going to live and use resources, my life needs to be worth something and so does my death. But thinking logically (and ideally) doesn't always counteract being suicidal. It's just there.

4. I consider my suicidal tendencies separate from the depression that I suffered from a few years ago, although they certainly feed into each other.

5. I've been in love with the same man for three years now.

6. He doesn't know it, and I haven't talked to him in nearly a year.

7. I would rather give up the chance to make it with him than have him be as disgusted by me as I am by the intensity of emotions that some people have felt toward me.

8. I am incredibly close to my family, and it kills me to see them so rarely when I *could* still be living in Minnesota and canoeing with Dan all summer and playing with Mary and mostly getting ignored by my parents who are very busy, but always loving and supportive and appreciate when I make dinner for them.

9. I haven't written any of my med school admissions essay, yet. Shut up.

10. I don't think that I could love even my *own* child, if it was autistic.

11. I pine for my romanticized pioneer life, where every person could do a multitude of things, and generally act civil towards other people. (I've been reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books again, lately.)

12. I spend a lot of time pondering things like how western civilization evolved, but now seems to be devolving, and how something like that is possible. I mathematize people. I allude galaxies to atoms and it blows my mind. I think that thinking about these things is entirely normal. I don't think I can ever express my wonder, though.

13. I often wholeheartedly believe conflicting things.

14. I relate with my head almost exclusively, instead of with my heart. This often makes me the meanest one in a relationship, and I hate being that person enough that I hate being in relationships.

15. Talking with Crystal, I am realising that I have been more changed by going to Smith than I had thought.

16. I just bought myself a bottle of Oban for my birthday, and I am sorely tempted to open it now and drink a dram out of a beaker.

17. I wish I could do college over again, but I suspect that I would fuck it up again this time around, too.

18. I'm horribly intimidated by the troop of brownies that I'll be leading starting this Thursday. They're in, what, 3rd grade?

19. I have a catholic guilt complex like nobody's business.

20. I only made it about 500 words into nanowrimo last year before I gave up. It took me four days to get that far. I am great at internal monologues, but writing, even fiction, even drivel, is incredibly difficult for me.


That was harder than it probably should've been, but I put a lot of thought into it, and I'd really like it if other people would do the same. In the spirit of things (really, the glee because I finally get to pick people), I tag: zillapook, alisgray, illcutyou, fee_b and omaha.

the hedge abides.